


Not Fade Away

by LilithPhantasterei



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus Bestiality, Bring Back Black | Sirius Black Returns From Beyond the Veil, F/M, Hurt, Light Angst, Post-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius Black as Padfoot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilithPhantasterei/pseuds/LilithPhantasterei
Summary: Sirius is dead, fell through a fucking curtain and didn't come out on the other side. And it's all Hermione's fault, she just knows. And now when a large black dog turns up and there's a possibility to get Sirius back, how could she refuse? No matter what it takes sheoweshim.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Hermione Granger
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

_I wanna tell you how it's gonna be_

_You're gonna give your love to me_

_I'm gonna love you night and day_

_Love is love and not fade away_

_The Rolling Stones_

Hermione dropped her bag and sat on her bed. She looked around in her room, nothing seemed different. It seemed like during her fifth year at Hogwarts, here at home, at her parents house everything was still the same.

Her world had shifted on it's axis, everything was turned upside down and her bookshelf was still propped up on Douglas Adam's "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" because the front left foot was 2,5 centimeters shorter then the other three. The red rug in front of her bed was still worn around the edges, it was almost as old as Hermione herself but she refused to replace it having grown fond of it over the years. She took in all the small, meaningless details details of her room, the flowerpot on her windowsill (without flowers of course, no plant would survive without being watered as long as she was at Hogwarts), the pencils on her desk (neatly colour- sorted), her jacket over the back of her chair, the picture of her and her parents on the nightstand, and wondered what the hell she was doing her. 

Hogwarts wasn't a safe place anymore even if Umbridge had been abducted by the centaurs (she mentally complimented herself again for that brilliant plan) and Dumbledore back as Headmaster, she knew they were at war. Had known it since the year before when Cedric Diggory had died. Had known that Harry and therefore Ron and herself had to play their part. But everything felt so much more real now. They had crossed a line when they - _she_ \- formed Dumbledore's Army. Before they had been students, yes Harry always was the chosen one and had been in danger from the first day they had started at Hogwarts and they knew facing Voldemort would be inevitable, but still... they had been protected by others. But now they had taken action. They were Dumbledore's _Army_. And even though no one said it out loud (Molly still refused them to be part of the Order of the Phoenix) that practically made them soldiers.

Voldemort had infiltrated the Ministry (Umbridge might only be the tip of the iceberg), but their side wasn't exactly doing nothing either, Charlie was recruiting members for the Order in Romania, Kingsley and Tonks tried to figure out who at the Ministry was trustworthy, Remus was on whatever suicidal mission Dumbledore had sent him and Sirius...

_Oh god Sirius._

The man had spent sixteen years with a supremacist pureblood family that he hated (a feeling that was as far as Hermione knew very much reciprocated), then framed by one of his best friends, all in one night losing everything he had (James and Lily- dead; Peter the little rat, the one whom he assumed simply wasn't smart enough to betray them- he hoped the bastard withered away somewhere, preferably cold and alone; Remus the one who had always been on their side, always thinking he wasn't good enough, always waiting for the wolf to take over and ruin all their lives- Remus whom Sirius had assumed to be the traitor and if that hadn't been enough to drive him away, Sirius' imprisonment in Azkaban surely had) only to be locked away for twelve long years. And then when he was able to flee and finally got at least Remus and Harry back, everything went to hell.

It reminded her of a Greek tragedy. Hadn't they ran off to save Sirius, breaking into the Ministry, running straight into Voldemort's trap -that fucking _obvious_ trap- Sirius would be perfectly fine.

It was her fault really. Harry had been emotional, of course he had been, he thought his godfather was in deadly peril and Ron was, well _Ron_. That left her, the brains of the trio. Brightest witch her age- _bullshit_. Hermione felt nauseous when she thought about it. She should have been level-headed. She should have known it was a trap. She shouldn't have listened to Kreacher who told her Sirius was out when she had floo-called Grimmauld Place. But she had panicked, her stupid, infuriating schoolgirl-crush on her best friend's godfather making her utterly useless.

When Harry had told her that Sirius was being tortured by Voldemort her mind went blank and the last Black had to pay for it in the end. She, dutifully as always, had told her two best friends that it could be a trap, but secretly was relieved when Harry had decided that they still had to go. She _needed_ to go, needed to make sure he was okay. As if she had been able to safe anyone. One curse from Dolohov and she was out cold

She'd woken up two weeks later. On her right side the scars stretched from just above her hip bone over her rips. Even now, several months later they pulsed and ached more often then not and downright hurt when she touched them. She wouldn't be able to wear a bikini around her parents anymore (shame, they usually went somewhere warm, close to the sea for the holidays), for she could never explain those scars to them. She had gotten of easy.

When she woke up Ron sat next to her bed in the hospital wing. He told her what had happened and she had kept it together, schooled her expression carefully until Madam Pomfrey threw Ron out.

Sirius had fallen through the veil.

Harry was devastated.

As soon as Ron had left she broke down. The tears were streaming down her cheeks and strangled sobs escaped her. She drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think clearly. Somewhere on the brink of her awareness she registered that something was forced down her throat.

The panic didn't leave her heart and the despair still clung to every inch of her body, but her breathing evened. Her muscles relaxed and she fell flat on the bed. The last thought she had before falling asleep was Sirius. _Sirius, Sirius, Sirius._

She woke because she couldn't breathe. Again. But it was different this time. Her right side was on fire, pain searing through her body. She screamed in agony. Hermione cramped and thrashed in her bed. She felt two strong hands clutch her upper arms trying to hold her down. Her mind blanked with panic, the girl tried to fight the grip but she was still so exhausted.

'Hermione. Hermione it's okay. It's just me, Remus. You're safe, you're in Hogwarts. Madame Pomfrey will get you something for your pain.' Had she opened her eyes a few seconds earlier she could have seen the sheer heartbreak in his eyes. But as it was, she could only see the concerned eyes of her professor, when she managed to force her eyes open for a second before the next wave of pain hit her and she let out a strangled sob. Lupin let go of her arms and took her hand in his instead. 'Poppy hurry up.' he barked over his shoulder.

The mediwitch ran towards Hermione's bed a small blue vial in her hand. She held it to Hermione's lips and the young witch struggled to open her mouth and swallow the blue liquid. The effect was almost immediate the pain subsided and her frantic heartbeat slowed.

'Thank you.' she croaked. Realizing she still held her former professor's hand in a vice like grip, she quickly let go.

Madame Pomfrey and Lupin exchanged a quick glance and the mediwitch left the two alone. Lupin studied her face and cleared his throat. He sought her eyes before he started talking. 'I heard Ron filled you in about what happened.'

He paused and she nodded. Seemingly satisfied he continued 'Madame Pomfrey had to sedate you afterwards.'

Another nod. She had figured as much.

'You didn't tell him, or anyone what happened to you at the ministry.' he didn't ask a question so Hermione saw no need to answer him.

'Hermione... if we knew what happened, what kind of curse hit you or who did this... maybe Madame Pomfrey could help you better. Because the way it looks right now those seizures you just had might stop sooner or later but we have no clue how much lasting damage there is.'

'I'm sorry.' she whispered.

Lupin froze 'Come again?'

'I'm so so sorry.' she couldn't look at him. 'If I had- if we just... I should have known. How could I've been so bloody ignorant? It was so obvious. And now, now... I know you probably don't want to hear this, because why should you? But I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I know he was your best friend. And Harry's only chance at a proper family. And I just waltzed in there and ruined it all. _Everything._ And I'm so sorry for that. You've got to hate me.'

'I don't hate you Hermione. Nobody does. And certainly nobody blames you for any of this. Sirius was a grown man, he could take care of himself, make his own decisions and he decided that he wanted to be there that night. If you want to blame someone, blame Voldemort. Nobody else.' Lupin's voice had taken a hard edge but his face softened when he saw her flinch. He seemed to consider her for a moment and sighed, taking her hand again.

'I'm sorry for your loss too.' He murmured and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. Hermione's eyes shot up in shock and searched his face.

_How much did he know?_

But Lupin's expression was unreadable. And she couldn't ask him in case he didn't know that would only make him suspicious.

Now in hindsight he couldn't have known much. Because there just wasn't much to know. There had only ever been one kiss. Nothing more. After that the rest of the school year had passed rather quickly. She had spent the week that was left in the hospital wing, she told Professor Lupin and Madam Pomfrey that it had been Dolohov who had cursed her but it hadn't helped one bit. They still didn't know what curse he had used. The seizures had stopped eventually. The day Madam Pomfrey told her that the pain would likely not go away was a bad day. Harry and Ron had been there with her none of them talking until the visiting hours were over and they finally left. She couldn't really talk to anyone, Harry was so incredibly sad, but except for the nights she was never alone. Harry and Ron sat at her bed most of the time and after a few days they were able to somewhat reconcile their relationship. Mrs. Weasley visited quite often fussing over her, since her own mother didn't even know she was injured. And -to her surprise- Lupin, he just sat there, reading his books slipping her a piece of chocolate now and again.

Hermione's world fell to bits and then was pieced together in this new distorted way and her parents still left the house every morning at 6.45 a.m. sharp to go to work. They returned at 5 p.m. and listened to classical music while cooking dinner. Just like they had done for Hermione's entire life. She had never felt more out of place in the muggle world.

The young witch took a deep breath, she didn't know what would happen tomorrow, all the more reason to make the most of the two weeks she had with her family before returning to the Burrow. Rising from her bed she strode to the door determinedly. She couldn't change the past (at least not since all the bloody Time-Turners had been destroyed that faithful night, when she fucked up she really did so thoroughly). She walked down the stairs into the living room where her parents sat, each a book i n their hands. Hermione sat down between them resting her head on the back of the sofa 'What are you reading?'

'"A Brief History of Time".' Her father mumbled his eyes glued to the pages, if her friends ever met her father they'd stop wondering where Hermione got her love for books from.

Her mother closed her book using her index finger as a bookmark 'Just some novel it's called "Needful Things" I'm only on page twenty, but it seems good so far.' She smiled at her daughter 'Are you hungry? We thought about going out for dinner.'

Hermione smiled back 'That sounds lovely, how about that Indian place down the street?'

Dinner was delicious and with every minute talking with her parents about safe subjects and sharing stories about Hogwarts she could actually tell without worrying them, Hermione felt a little bit off the burden lift off of her shoulders. When they walked back home the sun had already set and Hermione felt lighter then she had for months. That was until she saw a huge shadow move in the shrubbery next to her. She jerked to a halt and turned her head sharply. Her parents hadn't noticed her sudden change in demeanor yet and continued down the street. Hermione stood frozen, looking into a pair of grey eyes. It couldn't be. That was impossible. _He. Is. Dead._ 'Are you coming Hermione?' Her father called.

The grey eyes disappeared.

'I'm coming dad.' She must have been imagining things.

That night Hermione lay tossing and turning in her bed waiting for sleep that wouldn't come. The brightest witch of her age couldn't accept the fact that someone was dead. What a fucking joke. _But what harm would taking a short look do? Just to be sure?_ No. She didn't need to make sure about something she already knew. But she couldn't sleep anyways. Might as well take a short walk to get some air. Hermione got out of bed and pulled a tracksuit top over her sleeping shorts and camisole, briefly contemplating whether to take her wand or not.

On the one hand there was the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery as Harry had learned the hard way last summer and an attack was really very unlikely. On the other hand she just felt safer with her wand. She made up her mind and tucked her wand in the waistband of her shorts and slipped into her shoes. At the lash moment she remembered grabbing her torch, she wouldn't risk using magic for a simple Lumos. She sneaked downstairs, hesitating when she passed the bedroom of her parents. She heard the light snoring of her father and continued outside. Once she soundlessly let the front-door slide close she let out a breath.

She tip-toed back to the shrubbery where she'd seen the shadow, crouched down and examined it with her torch. There was nothing there. As expected. But upon taking a closer look she realized that the grass was flat as if something had lain there until recently and a few twigs were broken off. Her blood ran cold, she hadn't been imagining things. But that didn't mean it was him. It could have been just a random stray. There had to be a logical explanation.

She heard something breathing behind her and spun around but in her crouching position she tripped over her own feet and landed on her bottom. Her face level with shaggy black fur. Hermione's heart threatened to leap out of her chest. Slowly she raised her head to where the breathing came from and looked into a familiar set of grey eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know that technically "Not Fade Away" is from Buddy Holly, but the Rolling Stones version is not only loads better, it also fits Sirius's character (and this story) much better, so go ahead and listen to it if you don't already know it. It's really worth it (and even if you don't like it, it is rather short).  
> Now about this fic: I don't have a beta reader as of yet (any volunteers, by chance?) so I hope you'll forgive any spelling/ grammar mistakes or inconsistencies in regard to content, the second chapter already exists it is handwritten though, so I still need to typewrite and proofread it, I'll probably put it up tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

The resemblance was striking. The bear of a dog towering over her looked like a grim. Strangely her heartbeat slowed at that thought and her breathing evened. The hot, damp breath that hit her face should have scared her but the dog's eyes were so familiar. This had to be a coincidence. This was probably just another stray and in her longing her mind played tricks on her. Surely right now every dog would remind her of Snuffles. She was going mental nothing more. _Nothing more?_ But then again nobody would see or hear her, so what would be the harm in checking if it calmed her down?

'Is that you?' She whispered. The dog tilted it's head to one side. Of course. How could a dog understand her? But then it nuzzled her wrist and let out a low whine. Her heart seemed to stop. 'Sirius?' The dog answered with a bark. Fuck. The young witch was at loss for what to do, she needed time to think. She wanted to talk to Harry, or better yet with Professor Lupin, if this was really Sirius she needed to tell them. And she needed help. But what if it wasn't? What if the dog was just a dog? She couldn't get their hopes up, they were grieving enough already. But on the other hand if this really was Sirius Black she couldn't just leave him here. She made up her mind and struggled to her feet. She looked the dog intently in the eyes 'Follow me.' And turned around to walk back home. The animal trotted beside her, now that she wasn't pointing her torch at him anymore he was almost invisible, a shadow in the dark. Upon reaching her front-door Hermione turned to face the dog 'We'll have to keep quiet. I'd rather not explain my parents why I'm bringing home a dog in the middle of the night.'

It eyed her indignantly and huffed, nudging her knees as if to say 'Go on, open the door. We haven't got all night.'

Hermione sighed and turned back to the door. Here goes nothing. She thought and unlocked the door. She slid in and looked around before waving the dog in, who curiously closed the door behind himself with his snout. The girl's feeling that this was indeed Padfoot intensified. Witch and dog sneaked upstairs to Hermione's room. Once inside Hermione felt a weight lift from her shoulders, in a few heartbeats she would get Sirius back. Her mind raced with the memory of last Christmas.

**22nd December 1995 Number 12 Grimmauld Place**

Hermione sat alone in the library, hidden behind a bookshelf. She cowered on the floor her forehead rested on her knees, arms clasped around her legs, clutching a piece of parchment so hard her knuckles turned white. A shuddering sob escaped her and she quickly covered her mouth with her free hand willing herself to stay silent. It was late at night, everybody else was asleep and she was well hidden, but she couldn't be too careful. Hermione didn't want Harry or Ron to find her. Or even worse Ginny or Mrs. Weasley, she might be able to bullshit her way out with the boys but the Weasley women were too observant to let an emotional breakdown slide.

She was so lost in her head she didn't even hear his footsteps. Her head snapped up to look at Sirius Black sliding down the bookshelf and sitting next to her, legs crossed his shoulder touching hers. She quickly hid her face with her knees and her hair (one of the rare occasions she appreciated her bushy mane) she was sure her face was all blotchy and red from crying and she had the nagging feeling that the wet that covered her chin wasn't only tears but also a good amount of snort.

They sat like that for a while before Sirius' deep voice broke the silence 'I guess you don't want me to get Harry or Ron?'

She shook her head. God this was so humiliating. Why did Sirius Black of all people have to find her? She didn't want to tell him why she was crying. But he didn't ask her, in fact he didn't say anything at all. Until she couldn't take it anymore and blurted 'They never liked him anyways. Well Ron admired him and maybe even had a crush on him or whatever but as soon as I... as I,' she gulped 'They hated him after the Yule Ball.' Another strangled sob interrupted her babbling. 'They're just gonna say 'I told you so.' But that's just not true. He liked me. He really, really liked me.'

The little composure she had gained since she had read the letter was gone and she struggled to breath through her sobs. Hermione felt a hand coming around her shoulders drawing her in until she was tucked into his side. Almost instinctual she let go of the piece of parchment and clawed into Sirius' shirt for dear life. The girl turned her head to face his chest and draw in a few choppy breaths.

'Do you want me to cast a silencing charm?' he asked softly. The witch nodded into his chest.

After the animagus cast the charm he waited a bit longer for Hermione to calm down, but didn't move even when her breathing evened. 'Now tell me exactly what happened.'

Hermione bit her lip. She was already embarrassed enough for crying in front of her best friend's godfather. But then again the damage was already done. 'It's silly,' she whispered 'Just silly girl's stuff.'

She felt him stiffen 'Girl's stuff as in monthly I'd better get the hell out of here and make a chocolate sacrifice as a sign of my good will so you won't rip my head off girl's stuff?' It took a few moments to fight down the sudden sputtering inside of her but then the corners of her mouth twitched and the giggling broke out of her.

'No. Not that.' She wiped the tears from her face.

Sirius visibly relaxed 'Oh. Good.' and let out a breath that made her giggle all over again.

'Silly is good.' He surprised her 'You know as much as I appreciate two thirteen year olds breaking me out of Hogwarts on the back of a Hippogriff and and helping me escape Ministry custody,' he shot her a wink 'I'd really prefer you and Harry having a normal life without the looming presence of a war. And adults that protect you and not the other way around. So yeah, silly girl's stuff sounds great to me.' He drew her face gently back from his chest so he could look into her eyes 'It's no shame to be upset about something that's hurt your feelings even if it seems trivial in the grand scheme of things.'

It was trivial. But it also hurt her feelings 'You won't tell?' She asked him.

'I won't. And if I were you I wouldn't take any advice from me 'cause I mean I'm a 33 years old with no job stuck in his mother's house with a Hippogriff,' Gods he made her laugh so easily, 'But I can listen. No judgement. Promise.'

And that was it. Everything broke out of her 'Viktor is getting married. He sent me an invitation. And he didn't even break up with me. Well, not properly, he visited during the summer holidays and everything seemed fine. He even met my parents. But then when the school year started he wrote less and less and now... and now this.' She threw the piece of parchment at him. Sirius picked it up and flattened it. A wedding invitation. 'I bet she's really pretty. Probably has nice shiny hair, is really tall and popular and everything.'

There's something in Sirius face she can't pin down. She shouldn't have said anything. But then her face is against his chest again and he whispers 'I'm sorry. Do you want to go there?'

Maybe it would be a good idea to go. A good way to draw a line and not think about it anymore, but she didn't want to. 'No.'

'Okay,' he said. And after a while 'I think your hair is very pretty.'

She scoffed 'Thanks.'

Then there's that expression again and before she could ask what's going on his lips were on hers. They were warm and firm and when she hiccuped his hands only cradled her face closer. She relaxed and her hands wandered shyly around his neck to tangle into his hair.

Sirius' thumb stroked her cheekbone and his tongue teased her lips, gently coaxing her to open her mouth. If either of them had been in their right minds, less lonely, under less pressure or even less fond of each other it would have never gone this far. She let him in, handing over control and clinging to him. Her tried to show her as much affection and devotion as possible with one kiss. One of his hands slid down her neck his index and middle finger tracing her throat. A moan escaped Hermione's throat, startling them back to reality.

Sirius laid his hands on her shoulders and drew his head back, their faces close and their panting breaths mingling. 'I'm sorry.' He said, eyes tightly shut 'I shouldn't have taken advantage of you.'

She shook her head, eyes finally dry 'You didn't. Please don't say you regret this.' Her heart beat like crazy. She couldn't be a mistake to him.

'I don't. Regret this, I mean. But I should go. And you should go to bed. This can't happen again.' And she nodded. Because she's the brightest witch of her age for fuck's sake. He's 19 years older _that's just age_ , Harry's godfather _Harry just wants him to be happy_ , a convicted criminal _she doesn't care_ and if anybody ever found out all the blame would be on him. She's just a schoolgirl, but he'd be shunned by his friends _What would Remus say?_ , called names and certainly they wouldn't let the two of them near each other again.

They avoided each other for the rest of the holiday. And if she took an hour on Christmas morning to get ready, applying the slightest bit of make-up but leaving her hair the way it was, then it's surely nor because of the grey eyed, black haired man at the other end of the table.

And if he groomed his beard and put on one of his nicest shirts, without being too obvious, then it's surely not because of the bushy haired girl sitting next to his godson.

**August 1996 Hermione's room**

'You can turn back now.' The dog didn't budge. 'It's safe Sirius you can turn.' The dog let out a low whine, he had jumped on Hermione's bed and now covered his eyes with his paws as if ashamed.

Fuck. She has to think of something else. 'Okay let's do this: One bark means yes, two mean no.' The dog barked once.

'I'm going to ask a few questions first to see if you really understand me or if I'm just talking to a stray like a madwoman.' One bark. She's not sure if he agreed to the questions or to her being a madwoman, she quickly shakes her head to clear it.

'Alright let's start with something easy. Are you an animagus?' One bark.

'Did we manage to get rid of your mother's portrait?' Two barks.

'Do the Weasleys have three daughters?' Two barks.

'Was Wendelin the Weird burned 47 times?' The dog looked her in the eyes and then slowly took her pillow and threw it off her bed as if in protest.

'Right. Sorry. Really got into the quizzing thing. History of Magic's not really your strong suit, is it?' He didn't deem that worthy of an answer.

'Okay, okay let's get to the important stuff. Are you really Sirius?' He barked once. Her breathing hitched, she covered her mouth but it was already too late. It started with a few giggles and then she broke into a fit of laughter, tears streaming down her face. _He was back._

'Everything alright Hermione?' Her mother's voice from the other side of the door sobered her immediately.

'Yes mum. Just read something funny.'

'Okay, good night then.' She didn't sound convinced but left all the same.

'Good night.' Hermione called after her.

She sat down next to the dog on her bed and leaned against the headboard.

'So you're stuck in this form?' One bark. 'I should contact Professor Lupin, oh and Harry he'll be so happy-' she was cut off by two low barks. 'But I need help to turn you back.' A low growl. She made to get up from the bed, ignoring the dog's protest. His teeth closed around her wrist, not quite breaking the skin but the warning was clear.

'What are you doing?' She screeched and snatched her hand back. He growled again.

'Okay, okay.' She raised her hands in defeat 'I won't tell anyone.' She dropped back on the bed and Sirius barked once. 'I guess I'll go to Diagon Alley tomorrow and see if I can find some literature that might help us.' If she didn't find anything she could still owl the others, there was no reason not to play along with what Sirius wanted for now. 'So, are you hungry?'

The trip to Diagon Alley was thoroughly uneventful. After opening the garden door for Sirius ('I certainly won't go for a walk with you. I'm going to save us both the embarrassment of... for the lack of a better word emasculating you and putting you on a leash.'), she caught the Knight Bus to the Leaky Cauldron and headed for Flourish & Blotts.

Surprisingly finding something promising wasn't a problem. She left the shop roughly fifteen minutes later with a heavy tome named "Metamorphogi, Animagi, Werewolfs and Boggarts: Shapeshifting in all it's shapes" by Theodora Samson under her arm.

Finding a "cure" for Sirius proved to be no problem either. It seemed to be quite a common condition for animagi. Well as common as it gets with only two registered animagi in the last century. Which made her doubt the validity of what Theodora Samson claimed to be a safe and basically fool-proof way to turn animagi back. Alas unregistered animagi (at least four in the last century) seemed disinclined to provide data, the threat of Azkaban for illegally performing the transformation may contribute to that. No, this was probably the best information she was going to get.

And it _did_ seem logical. Somehow. From an objective point of view.

The reason animagi got stuck was usually because they lost connection to their human part. While even as an animal they were still the same person (Sirius knew who he himself was, knew who Hermione, Harry and Remus were), they were also the animal they turned into making it possible for them to lose the grasp on such a complex concept as humanity. So far so reasonable.

This usually happened as result of great trauma (for instance falling through and reemerging from the veil) or spending too much time in one's animagus form without turning back. All of that made sense to Hermione she only wondered how this didn't happen to Sirius after Azkaban, though that wasn't really relevant right now.

So, naturally, the key to get an animagus back was to reconnect them to their human part. According to Samson the way to do that wasn't some shallow mediation and self-care nonsense but a solid magical ritual. That was very much to Hermione's liking. At the words "reconnecting to one's human identity" images of Professor Trelawney had flooded her mind and the young witch was glad that this had nothing to do with her inner eye.

No, the problem was that in order to connect an animagus with his human side they had to connect with another human. And... well now Hermione understood why he didn't want her to get a hold of Harry or Remus. She turned from her desk to look at the dog laying on her bed. She felt strangely detached. 'You knew this, didn't you?'

He looked at her with sad eyes, no barking, no tail waggling, no nothing. _He knew. All the time._ Sirius slowly jumped off the bed and trotted over to her. He nuzzled her calf and gave her knee a playful nudge before licking it. Hermione abruptly stood up almost knocking over her chair.

'I need time to think.' and with that she stormed outside.

Walking down the street she frantically searched for a solution. Maybe she could find someone she could pay to do it. But how? There were certainly people who were willing to do something like that. They didn't talk about it in public though, did they? And she couldn't betray Sirius' trust like that. But if he came to her _knowing_ what she'd have to do, it would only be fair for her to decide how it was to be done. There was only the tiny problem that even if she did find someone _as if_ she'd reveal that Sirius Black was an animagus and that the famous Azkaban escapee was indeed still alive and on the run.

Hermione sat down on a park bench two streets from her home. Maybe someone from the Order? She burst into laughter at that thought, she laughed so hard her scar hurt and tears streamed down her cheeks. And who exactly would that be? Tonks, McGonnagall, _Molly?_ No, there was no other way and the young witch knew she was just stalling. She lent back and closed her eyes, letting the afternoon sun warm her face. It seemed the beautiful weather was mocking her. Because really, there was nothing warm or beautiful about this day.

With a sigh she rose and made her way back home. Her parents would be home in a few hours. She needed to get this over with before then or she would have to wait until the next day. And if she had to wait, if she had too much time to think, she wouldn't do it at all.

The short walk already felt like a walk of shame. It felt like everybody knew what she was about to do. That was of course nonsense, but she could swear that the old Mrs. Lee down the road looked devastatingly disappointed while unloading her groceries and Hermione's cheeks burned in humiliation.

Finally inside her room she couldn't look at Sirius and he made no move to catch her attention either. She rolled the red rug in front of her bed out of the way taking one last look at the sketch of the circle in "Metamorphogi, Animagi, Werewolfs and Boggarts: Shapeshifting in all it's shapes" she went to draw it on the floor. 'Oh no fuck. Not with that.' The witch muttered and let the permanent marker drop to the floor, shuffling out of her room and returning with her mother's lipstick. No need to ruin the laminate after all. When she finished she locked the door and finally turned to look at the dog on her bed. 'So this is it then.' She had to look down again.

She was startled when a cold snout gently nudged her knees. When she didn't move the nudging became more insistent until she walked into the middle of the circle. Hermione took a deep breath but couldn't still the tremor of her hands. It felt like those few seconds every morning when her alarm brutally ripped her from sleep and something cold made it's way from her stomach into her throat. Only that she couldn't turn the alarm off and the the feeling didn't last mere seconds, it didn't go away. The dog _Sirius, just call him Sirius_ nipped at the hem of her jeans shorts. Why wasn't she wearing a skirt? It was a nice, warm summer day, summer holidays even for fuck's sake, so why the hell wasn't she at least wearing a bloody skirt? But it was too late to go and change now. It seemed she wasn't even allowed that bit of decency. So she closed her eyes and quickly lowered her shorts letting them drop to the floor. Sirius had at least averted his eyes. No going back now. She lowered herself on her knees and braced herself on her forearms, one hand reached back and pushed her pants down, leaving them around her knees.

This was what she wanted, wasn't it? She had believed Sirius to be dead and had grieved him for days. And she _knew_ that it been her bloody fault, no matter what Professor Lupin said. She owed him. She had prayed for a way to get Sirius back and and here it was, on a silver platter. No need to be bitter about it.

It didn't even hurt.

She concentrated on not buckling beneath his weight and when she found her voice recited the enchantment she'd learned by heart. As easy as that. No wand required. No way for the Ministry to detect a violation of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery. She felt Sirius turn and grow behind and inside of her.

And wasn't it funny how _now_ it hurt like hell and felt like it wasn't supposed to fit. That there was no possible way _that_ could fit _there_ , at least not comfortably?

Sirius, now finally really Sirius, took her forearms and pulled her back into his lap, cradling her against his chest. Soothing her with kisses against her temples and on her hair, whispering to her how sorry he was, how well she did and that everything was fine.

'You can't ever tell anybody about this,' she croaked, 'No one can know. Please, They'd all think I'm... Oh god please don't tell anybody... I can't-'

'Of course not. I'd never..' He cleared his throat 'But it's not-'

She interrupted him 'You should go. Remus and a few others of the Order are still at Grimmauld Place. Just tell them you went straight there, don't tell anyone you... visited me.' She didn't ask how the hell he made it back from the veil or what he was thinking, coming to her.

Sirius just nodded he got up and righted his clothes, making his way to the door he turned around 'Are you... I mean do you want to... I don't know, are you alright?'

For a second a wave of cruelty flashed through her, she wanted him to hurt as much as she hurt but the moment was gone as quickly as it came.

'I'm fine.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it then. I didn't really feel comfortable with the subject of this fic (but I do really ship Sirius and Hermione), but you know how it is, got drunk, lost a bet, probably won't ever live this one down. Though I think I'm quite satisfied with how I realised it. I might do a sequel to explore Hermione's and Sirius' relationship after this breach of trust (and now that Sirius is finally human again) but I don't know yet.


End file.
